I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
