I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
