are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
