one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize