Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
