why didn't you poke me back
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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