I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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