someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
