I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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