I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
