why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
