my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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