Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
