I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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