you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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