She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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