Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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