Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize