We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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