my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
