im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
