Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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