Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize