Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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