i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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