hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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