Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How does one acquire holy water?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
