I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
