the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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