I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's shark week go big or go home
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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