I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
