im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
