mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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