Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
