i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
