I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
