I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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