The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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