The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
