I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
