this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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