Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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