You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
