Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize