Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
