I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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