Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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