I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
