I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
