what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
