she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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