I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize