Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
two words: eviction party
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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