I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
