I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize