How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
