That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
