God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
