There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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