2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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