My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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