I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
