took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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