loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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